just

Well this world is full of toxic people. We cant trust people , people are human. Human = human .
Sometimes we tend to think that this world is not a safe place anymore. Sometimes we think that we cant even trust ourselves. Hm. Sometimes .

So, that is mm just whats on my mind thinking what lah kan like this year so much had happened. So much worse. We are living in 2018 . Its not weird anymore, if we look at other side. I mean the world nearly gonna end soon . That got everyone goosebumps .

Actually im more like to speaking when im talking or more like typing about what im thinking.  Because mindset thinking that i can deliver what is on my mind when i tend to speak other than my language. Even it got so much grammatical errors. I don’t mind as long as i can deliver my thoughts.

Lol. Sometimes maybe because the effect of me always reading romantic cliche romance novel , i mean english novel. Because it such a waste of my time reading malay novel. I mean so boring. So i decide to read english novel in order to improve my english too , right? Not just from a freaking thick book . Sometimes i always read them from phone also , wattpad app. So why not, we can learn everywhere. From watching english movie also even they got so much yeah yano(you know) . So from there i actually can learn and so much i can get . Not just the language, ofcourse.

Bruh, even from korean drama also can make me learn their language . Lol. Like literally the basic one, we can sometimes learning at the same time like no matter what we do, we can learn from there.
No matter where we are, what surrounds us, we can learn.

Thats pretty much bout it. Always, learn and learning .

So right now my mind thinking, how to be more matured?
People said, you can get more matured from the experience. That is so correct. That is so true.

But right now what i mean is, macam mana eh nak matang? Even my supervisor said that i tak matang. People around me even said the same thing. I dont know maybe from how i react, act, solve probs, or just me?

SV comment all the staff at my working place they all younger . Than me. But then I am the one who act more childish. Not seem like my age. Not serious. Always playing around. I, i just dont know.
And she even said maybe because i am the happy go lucky person so she let it go . But then what is the matter about that?

Aku taktahulah. For me i think, nak act matang at my work place tu, like tak senyum like be so serious all the time. Like thats not me at all. Kalau tak senyum it would be sooo freaking worse, awkward and at the same time i akan feeling so guilty. Like tak gelak sekali dengan lawak adik adik kat situ i feel like not fun at all. So i join lah kan dorang have fun playing around enjoy together, but benda tu pun dicop tak matang eh and childish? lol

So sv will call me and be mad telling me  i am the one who lebih tua so tunjuk like your age around them, be more serious so they can follow me be serious. Im like , for work ofcourse you have to be serious. But then like talking laughing pun hm. I dont know maybie just i assuming so much .

But then kan, it is true that i tak matang pun. Like i cant be ready for everything. Yet.
Aku sendiri rasa yang aku ni tak matang lagi. Even aku ni dah dua puluh dua, tahun depan dua puluh tiga, empat. Taktahu bila matang tu nak sampai.

I am not ready for everything. I am not worthy for everyone or better yet, someone .
But i kakak in my family, i am the eldest so from there i can act more responsible or more matured as a sister to my siblings. But from others, or my surrounding. I can’t.

I don’t know how. hm tired of thinking . Overthinking. Super thinking.
So i guess for now, let just try to be more responsible. Try to be yourself . Bring yourself to the more positive side . Look around you, and start thinking what you can do from there.

Aku taktahulah aku merepek apa but thats what im saying to myself. Motivating myself .
Motivate yourself first so you can motivate people around you. Be more loving, supportive, and nice?

Yeah . Be more matured.


Love, zara 💕